Fearless Sexuality Educator

Sexuality education, without fear and with pleasure.

03 May 2013
1 Comment

Friday FREAK OUT! Jason Collins is 1st NBA player to announce that he’s gay

On Monday, 34-year old NBA player Jason Collins came out as gay in a story published in Sports Illustrated, written by Jason himself. This marks the first time that a current pro-ball player in the ‘big four’ sports in the U.S. (basketball, baseball, football and hockey) has announced that he is gay. In his story he shares,

I feel blessed that I recognized my own attractions.

For years, sexuality educators have talked about how few gay role models exist in major sports, and how the lack of public figures in a variety of roles can be detrimental to a young person’s self-acceptance. Well, it’s time to change that story. And, as a few others have pointed out, people are freakin out about this now, but hopefully in the future a pro ball player coming out won’t be such a freak out. As Marty Klein asks in his blog post, “How many gay athletes will have to come out before it’s no longer newsworthy?”

However, people don’t seem to be freakin out so much about how WNBA player Brittney Griner came out just last week, and as the Atlantic points out in their article, What the WNBA can teach male athletes about coming out and being allies, there are plenty of ‘out’ players in other sports. This is a great opportunity to celebrate the people that have already been serving as strong role models. Sexuality educators, parents and teachers can point to all of these individuals as people to potentially look up to.

What I think is great about Jason Collins’ story is that he, and Brittney, are both communicating the message that you should be who you are, and not have to pretend to be someone that you’re not just to succeed in a particular career.

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Posted in Friday FREAK OUT
01 May 2013

Tweeting about Consent for #Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Hey folks! April was Sexual Assault Awareness Month (#SAAM). Early on in April I decided to raise awareness about sexual assault by focusing on key messages about CONSENT on Twitter. For anyone looking for a summary, or who isn’t on Twitter, here are my April #SAAM tweets:

Posted in Consent and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment
29 Apr 2013

In response to the overwhelming media coverage of rape, it’s time to talk about consent

Lately it seems as though every other news article, radio show, tweet, or blog post is about rape or sexual assault. Steubenville, Delhi, Rio de Janeiro, Halifax, Saratoga- it is clearly an international problem (and those are just five examples), and this important issue has gotten an overwhelming amount of media coverage recently. I have done a lot of work in violence prevention, and it can be challenging to hear story after story about serious violations and despicable acts of sexual assault. The increased media attention can push this issue to the forefront of policymakers agendas and inspire effective educational campaigns, but it can also be confusing and draining for young people to absorb. (I mean, it’s tough for even the most experienced professionals.) A parent recently asked me…

There’s so much going on about rape in the news these days, what can I say to my teens?

This is a very important question, that many may be overlooking. As much as we may want to shield our young people from the horrors of life, they will undoubtedly be exposed to something about rape these days. We need to see this overwhelming attention to rape as teachable moment to discuss ways to prevent sexual assault and encourage young people to gain and seek consent as a strategy to prevent sexual assault and rape. It’s a way to tell people what they should be doing, instead what they should be avoiding.Java Printing

Adults need to engage in critical dialogue with the young people in their lives about what it means to seek and give consent. Parents, teachers, family members, faith leaders, etc can all take a moment to reflect on all of these cases in intentional conversations. Ask what they have heard/seen about the various cases being covered, and what their peers are saying about how teens have reacted. Here are a few suggestions for key messages to focus on and conversation starters:

  • Consent is when one person gives permission to engage in a particular activity. How do you think consent can help in a relationship?
  • Always gain consent for any physical interaction. How do you know if consent has been given?
  • Give consent in clear ways. What’s an example of giving consent?
  • Respect the boundaries that other people establish. What is a boundary, and how can a boundary help someone feel safe?
  • Accept no for an answer. What can you do if someone says no? What might happen if someone does not respect another person’s no?
  • If you are unsure whether or not consent has been given, stop and ask. How might you ask someone if they have consented?
  • Sometimes a person is unable to give consent, like when they are unconscious, intoxicated, or under a certain age. How would you know if a person is unable to give consent?
  • If someone engages in sexual activity with someone who has not consented, that is considered sexual assault, or rape. Sex without consent is not OK! How can you help create a social community that is respectful and honors everyone’s right to consent?
  • Someone who has experienced sexual assault needs support and understanding. What could you do if you know someone who has been hurt?
  • Social media outlets such as Facebook and Twitter should be used carefully and conscientiously. How might Facebook or Twitter be a negative influence on teens’ attitudes about rape? How could they be used to bully another person after they have been sexually assaulted? How might social media be used in a good way?
  • Be a role model for others. How can you help your peers understand consent?

A few other posts and responses to the recent flurry of media about rape have stood out to me as great resources for helping young people understand this issue:

Laurie Halse Anderson: Another Hard Thing About Being a Parent

Huffington Post: A Letter to My Sons About Stopping Rape

The Good Men Project: The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21.

King County Sexual Assault Resource Center, 100 Conversations: Conversations about Consent

And there is a whole bunch more out there too. The point is, do something, say something, and make it stick. Be consistent in your messaging, and the youth around you will learn consent from you.

Posted in Consent, Media and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment
05 Apr 2013
1 Comment

Friday FREAK OUT! EC over the counter for all!

Today sexuality educators, policymakers, and advocates are all freakin’ out about the surprise ruling by a federal judge saying that the government must make emergency contraception available over the counter for everyone, including young people under the age of 16. By May 5th, there will no longer be age or sale restrictions for Plan B, One Step, and its generic versions.

This New York Times article does a great job describing the history and controversy surrounding this court case.

What does this mean for sexuality educators? Time to update your fact sheets on emergency contraception!

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Posted in Friday FREAK OUT and tagged , , , ,
22 Mar 2013

Friday FREAK OUT! Outrage over ads for Kegel exercises

Riding along on the Long Island Rail Road (LIRR), some people do not want to see ads about Kegel exercises. The ads, which have been up for about 4 weeks, read:

Ladies, admit it. You’re doing kegels right now.

The ads have been called offensive, appalling, outrageous, and over the line.

What many riders don’t know is that this ad is part of a tv network Veria Living’s Random Acts of Wellness Campaign. This campaign is meant to be a light-hearted way of getting people thinking about wellness.

Funny, because another fabulous awareness campaign was launched just this week that directly relates to these ads. Sexuality educator Debby Herbenick launched a fabulous new Tumblr, Make Sex Normal.

I think these Kegel ads are a great example of ways that we can make sex normal. If we can be open and honest about discussing pelvic exercises, then we set the foundation for individuals being comfortable talking about things like consent! These ads are a great opportunity for teachable moments to talk about how sexual health is about more than just condoms.

It’s too bad that according to the Huntington Patch, the ads will come down next week.

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Posted in Friday FREAK OUT, Uncategorized and tagged , , , | Leave a Comment
15 Mar 2013

Friday FREAK OUT! Snapchat lives up to worst fears

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Snapchat, for those who are not up to date on apps (admittedly, I just recently learned about Snapchat because of recent media hype), is a free photo & video sharing application that will delete the shared item in 10 seconds or less. Wildly popular among teens, the app ‘allows’ users to send silly, embarrassing, or even sexy images that will theoretically be erased shortly after the receiver views it, aka they will theoretically self-destruct. Launched in September 2011, Snapchat boasts over 60 millions messages a day.

However, a quick review of the headlines shows the potential pitfalls of Snapchat:

Why Snapchat is dangerous (it’s not just because of sexting)

Law enforcement warns Snapchat is a perfect tool for child predators

A warning about Snapchat, Teenagers, and Online Photo Sharing

T20130315-193651.jpghe app has gotten even more media attention this week since a teen in New Jersey took screenshots of several photos sent via Snapshot, and then posted them on Instagram. The police are now involved in the case, since possession of naked photos of a person under the age of 18 is against the law in NJ.

This particular NJ case, and the attention given to the app, highlights the ever-increasing need to help young people understand appropriate and inappropriate uses of technology, especially when it comes to photos and videos. In recent conversations that I have had about the app, most people have quickly come to the conclusion that a primary purpose of the app is to send sexually explicit messages, when according to their website their actual intention is to provide a platform to share an image that might “be a little grainy, and you may not look your best, but that’s the point. It’s about the moment, a connection between friends, and not just a pretty picture.”

Here are some important messages to emphasize with young people:
-Consider all of the potential risks of sending photos that are sexually explicit
-Think about who will be receiving the message, and what could happen
-Establish personal boundaries based on potential risks involved
-Even ‘private’ photos aren’t always private
-ANYthing sent via Snapchat, or other programs like Facebook Poke, could be seen by anyone, so make sure you’re ok with that
-Know that anyone in possession of a nude photo taken of someone under the age of 18 is against the law
-If you share an image against the wishes of an individual, you could get sued for invasion of privacy, plus it’s not very nice!

It is also important to remember that teens are really into this application, so it may not be productive to simply prohibit its use. Rather, use this as a teachable moment and talk about smart ways to use smartphones.

Posted in Friday FREAK OUT and tagged , , , | Leave a Comment
05 Feb 2013

Kia’s Babylandia Superbowl Commercial: How NOT to respond to the question, “where do babies come from”

Space Babies: while they may be babies, they don’t come from space. Unless you are Superman.

Who doesn’t LOVE pandas, puppies, and babies dressed up as astronauts? Well, as cute as the Kia Babylandia commercial aired during the superbowl may appear, the message that we should tell our kids that babies come from OUTER SPACE is wrong! It’s so wrong that I had to write a post about it, and I couldn’t wait until Friday (although this kind of belongs in my Friday Freak Out series!).

This commercial has been one of the favorites, lauded as cute and relate-able, and the dad is described as creative and imaginative. However, I think he’s scared and misguided. The twitterverse has focused mostly on the cute pandas, the fancy effects, and the funny ending, but has largely ignored the problems with this commercial. This commercial incorrectly tells parents that…

  1. when their kids ask, “where do babies come from”, they should make up a fairytale planet such as Babylandia instead of being honest and informing them of the facts.
  2. they should avoid the topic of sexuality because it’s something that doesn’t deserve the truth.
  3. when their child is sharing what they know, it’s ok to cut them off mid-sentence.
  4. when they don’t feel prepared to answer a question, they should make something up instead.

What messages SHOULD we be emphasizing?

  • Babies don’t come from outer space.
  • It’s ok for kids to ask their parents about where babies come from. Actually, they SHOULD ask their parents!
  • The car is actually a great place to ask/answer questions about sexuality.
  • Take advantage of teachable moments, especially when the moment is because a child asks a specific question.
  • Listen to what children are saying, so they feel respected and comfortable asking more questions.
  • Sexuality is a natural part of human existence, and sexual expression isn’t supernatural or alien.
  • Parents don’t have to be scared to answer questions- if you’re not sure how to respond, tell them you’ll answer their question later (and then DO IT!).

I know that Kia has to sell cars, and that their fancy voice-commands demonstrate that this fancy car has an ‘answer for everything’, but this commercial just reinforces the idea that kids don’t deserve the facts about life, and parents don’t know how to teach them anyways. Parents should be a child’s primary sexuality educator, and this commercial does nothing to help parents feel empowered to take on that role. In fact, it does the exact opposite.

Need help talking to young kids about sexuality? I highly recommend the book but how’d I get in there in the first place? by Deborah Roffman (2002), which talks about answering children’s questions according to their developmental stage.  It’s an easy and approachable read, focusing on kids 6 years old and under.

Posted in Friday FREAK OUT, Media and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment
03 Jan 2013

Sick of Movies! Non-monogamy shouldn’t be a relationship solution

The last several days of 2012 I was sick as a dog!  Therefore, I nestled up on the couch with a sick person’s best friend, Netflix.  A few weeks ago I had watched the movie Conception, which tells 9 different stories of how 9 different couples conceive, and thought it was a great way to show some diversity of experience related to becoming parents.  Therefore, Netflix of course made some recommendations to me based on that movie- so with lots of sick-tv-time, I jumped down that rabbit hole!

In browsing this personalized section of movies, I ended up watching three movies about long term relationships that have lost their sexual spark.  Therefore, the main characters dabble in non-monogamy in order to FIX their relationship (SERIOUS SPOILER ALERT!):

Swinging with the Finkels PosterSwinging with the Finkles (2011) The Finkles, a married couple of 10 years and therefore they don’t have sex like they used to (and the one scene in which they do have sex it is portrayed to be ridiculous), decide to partner swap, and go through an interview process via an online swinging website.  They meet a couple they both like, invite them over for a night of fun, swap their respective partners.  The next day, and ensuing weeks, are awkward and uncomfortable.  He moves out for a bit, and they reunite on New Years Eve.  All is well because guess what, she’s pregnant.

The Freebie PosterThe Freebie (2010) Annie and Darren are an affectionate married couple that do crossword puzzle races instead of having sex.  Darren admits he looks at other women and Annie wholeheartedly agrees that it’s only human.  They decide they need each need a one-night-stand.  The chosen night selected, they go their separate ways, and guess what, the next day it’s all ice and snow between them!  They had agreed they wouldn’t talk about what happened, and their relationship quickly goes downhill.  In the end they neither trust or believe each other at all.

Fling PosterFling (2008) This movie starts out with Mason and Samantha already in an open relationship, and throughout the movie they each develop a relationship with someone else.  They had opened up their relationship because Mason, a self-loving novelist, ooops! hooked up with someone at the same time that Sam almost did (but didn’t).  All of a sudden, they end up in an open relationship, which Sam repeatedly says works brilliantly.  Sam’s budding relationship with her traditional-relationship ex-BF becomes more and more serious while Mason is seeking the same from the younger sister of his best friend.  All hell breaks loose when the best friend finds out about Mason and his sis, and turns out that Sam is, you guessed it, pregnant!  Mason tries to pull it together with a too-late proposal, and Sam ends up with the ‘traditional’ relationship.

So, what are we, the viewers, supposed to ascertain from any one of these movies?

  • Long term relationships are doomed to be sexually unsatisfying.
  • Talking about sex in a long term relationship is too hard, even with this awesome person that has all these other great qualities.
  • Communicating about sexual decisions happens in one short conversation (or not at all).
  • Non-monogamy will fix problems with sex in a long term relationship.
  • Problems with sex in long term relationships aren’t related to underlying/overarching problems in the relationship itself. (Although some connections are drawn in each of the movies, they are not apparent.)
  • In the end, non-monogamy doesn’t work, and will damage, if not ruin your relationship.
  • Traditional, monogamous relationships are better.
  • Oh, and everyone is skinny and sexy and has perfect hair in bed. (but that’s not what this post is really about)

Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely entertained by each of these films, and I didn’t turn any of them off (although, I started watching Last Night (2010), and only got through the first 30 minutes).  But being entertained doesn’t mean that I agree with or like their depiction of relationships, and the ‘solutions’ offered. If a problem arises in a relationship, whether it is related to sexual activity or not, the people involved should communicate openly and honestly about it.  Opening up a relationship won’t fix the relationship problem- communication will.  If a couple is going to become monogomish, open, poly, or any interpretation thereof, it should be considered carefully, and when there are strong, established boundaries and expectations.  Not on a whim, on the fly, or accidentally, as is portrayed in all three of the movies described above.

But the entertainment industry isn’t going anywhere and these are not the only relationship movies that depict poor solutions.  Therefore, we must be diligent in teaching people how to think critically about the messages that are explicitly and implicitly shared in movies such as these.  So, as sexuality educators, we need to help participants digest media.  Here are some recommendations:

When watching a movie…

  1. Examine the relationship(s) between/among the protaganists…how healthy is it?
  2. Look for the explicit and implicit messages about sex…what is their take-home?
  3. Determine what’s missing from the plot/dialogue…what did the movie communicate by omission?
  4. Evaluate the relationships with supporting characters…what values are demonstrated?
  5. Decide for yourself whether you agree with the movie’s messages about sexuality, and if that’s enough for you to give it a thumbs down!
Posted in Media | Leave a Comment
21 Dec 2012
2 Comments

Friday FREAK OUT! Nice-Guy-Gate

[TRIGGER WARNING for the topic of rape]

In the last few weeks in the feminist blogosphere a HEATED debate has emerged that started with an article posted on the Good Men Project titled, Nice Guys Commit Rape Too, written by Alyssa Royse.  This article tells the story of a ‘nice guy’ that commits an act of rape, and the author seeks to explore why/how it happened: “In order to get to that answer we need to first abolish the idea that all rape is about power and violence. It’s not. Some rape begins as the earnest belief that sex is going to happen, and that it should. The confusion starts with misreading socially accepted cues.”

In the aftermath of this article’s publication, there has ensued a series of responses, rebuttals, and other public outrage via social media.  Here is a sample of what you can find if you jump down the rabbit-hole of ‘nice-guy-gate’, in approximate chronological order:

11/30/12 Good Men Project: Nice Guys Commit Rape Too, by Alyssa Royse – the article that started it all.

12/1/12 Good Men Project: Nice Guys Commit Rape Too, A Response, by Matthew Salesses.

12/8/12 Feministe: What in holy hell is this, by Jill Filipovic.

12/10/12 Good Men Project: I’d Rather Risk Rape than Quit Partying, by ANONYMOUS. [this is the story of a self-identified rapist]

12/10/12 Feministe: And just when you thought the Good Men Project couldn’t get any worse, by Jill Filipovic.

12/10/12 Good Men Project: This is Why We Published a Rapist’s Story, by Joanna Schroeder.

12/10/12 The Soapbox: On Nice Guys as Rapists, by Amelia McDonnell Perry.

12/11/12 Why did the Good Men Project publish a blog by an unrepentant and unconvicted rapist? by Ally Fogg.

12/18/12 Why the ‘nice guys commit rape too’ conversation is not helpful, by Jill Filipovic.

12/??/12 Why I Left the GMP, by Ozy Frantz.

12/20/2012 Rapists Say They Rape Because of Mixed Signals and the Good Men Project Believes Them, by Amanda Marcotte.

Wow, there is a lot being said, and people are surely freakin out about it.  Myself included.  I have really struggled to wrap my head around all of the points being made, and how to frame this debate in a productive manner for myself.

One thing that I am reminded about as I have been digesting the myriad of viewpoints is that consent is an essential topic to cover in sexuality education.  Because it’s not enough just to tell someone, “don’t rape”.  As sexuality educators, we MUST teach participants…

  • What is consent?
  • What do you need consent for?
  • How is consent communicated?
  • How do you know if consent is given?
  • How do you know if consent is not given?
  • How do non-verbal cues affect the understanding of consent?
  • When is someone unable to give consent?

And I’m just getting started!  This is a challenging concept to both teach, and to learn.  As ‘students’, we learn different things about consent from our teachers, peers, the media, parents, religion, etc., and we rarely have an opportunity to truly examine and explore all of the nuances of communicating about consent in real life situations.  Sexuality education should be an opportunity for individuals to learn how to make healthy decisions about sexual activity that are 100% consensual.  (Stay tuned for a more in-depth post on consent in the future.)

I encourage sexuality educators to critically examine all sides of ‘nice-guy-gate’ in order to understand the scope of this controversy. It is also critical that we all send a clear message about the importance of consent, because surely we could all learn about bit more about it.

Posted in Friday FREAK OUT and tagged , , , , ,
18 Dec 2012
1 Comment

Overcoming Sex-Shaming Rhetoric at the CFLE Sex Ed Conference 2012

At the CFLE’s annual National Sex Ed Conference I had the pleasure of facilitating a workshop titled Dare to be Shameless! Overcoming Sex-Shaming Rhetoric in Sexuality Education.  During this one-hour workshop we listed examples of sex-shaming rhetoric, identified ways that sex-shaming rhetoric can impact an educational environment, and described strategies for countering sex-shaming rhetoric.  Yep, we did all that in just one hour.  Phew!

It was a wonderful experience being able to engage other sexuality education professionals in a conversation about how our language can make someone feel ashamed about their sexuality, sometimes without that intention.  What even is sex-shaming rhetoric?  As far as I know (and please correct me if I’m wrong), it’s a new concept that needs descriptions and definitions.  During this workshop, I had the help of 75 participants in outlining how sex-shaming rhetoric may be characterized.  photoMy own working definition of sex-shaming rhetoric is:

Language used that makes an individual feel ashamed of a healthy sexual experience, feeling, or act.

This definition may be too straight-forward, or maybe its brevity allows essential room for interpretation.  In short, we as educators must be aware of how our rhetoric around sexuality, including our educational lesson plans, may make someone feel ashamed of their sexuality.

As part of the workshop, I asked participants to write down an example of something someone might say that could be considered sex-shaming, thinking especially of something a sexuality educator might say.  Here are some of the examples they came up with:

  • “If you get pregnant/get a girl pregnant, your life will be ruined.”
  • “There is a time and a place to talk about sex and sex topics, and this isn’t it.”
  • “Clean” = STI negative
  • “When you have a new partner, you must use protection.” (It’s fear-based rhetoric and shaming for people.)
  • A person with multiple partners is nasty.
  • “Sexting is a horrible thing and doing it can ruin your life.”
  • Heterosexual sex is ‘normal’ sex.
  • “You shouldn’t be thinking about sex, you should be thinking about college.”
  • “You’re not old enough to ask those questions!”
  • “If you can’t see something without a mirror, it probably means you shouldn’t be looking at it.”
  • “You’re stupid if you get pregnant.”
  • “You will regret it.”
  • “Boys don’t respect girls that have sex too soon.”
  • “Males tend to be more focused on sex than females.”
  • “…not something [that] good boys and girls do.”
  • “If you sleep with someone too soon, you might smear your reputation.”
  • “What would your parents say if they found out you were having sex?”
  • “You shouldn’t have sex unless you’re in love.”

These examples depict characteristics of sex-shaming rhetoric, and yet they are things that we have all probably heard at least once in our lives from someone of authority.  Being a sexuality educator is an honor, a privilege, and a responsibility.  It is up to us to help people feel comfortable asking questions about sexuality, and learn more about themselves, rather than making someone feel bad and ashamed.  Certainly, there are behaviors that need to be deemed as not OK, and that someone should feel ashamed about, such as engaging in any sexual behavior without consent.  However educators (not just sexuality educators, but anyone who is potentially educating others) need to be aware of how their language can be interpreted.  Our educational approaches can be affirming, rather than shame-inducing.

Thank you to all who attended this workshop, and I look forward to continuing this work on improving our sexuality education rhetoric.

Posted in Conference Musings, Shameless and tagged , , , , , ,

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