Tip for Tuesday!
Not sure what your participant means when they say things like:
Common law girlfriend
Shatner texting
Yolo
Cuffing
Boomtangle
Look it up on urbandictionary.com.
Better yet- ask your participants what it means, then look it up! It’s ok to admit you don’t know the meaning of slang terms- showing that you aren’t a walking encyclopedia (or google) can help a participant feel more comfortable acknowledging that they don’t know everything!
Here’s your tip for Tuesday: Doing a demonstration of how to use a condom? Try using a cucumber, or a zucchini, or a squash instead of a banana! Or get a variety of fruit and vegetables in order show how flexible and sturdy condoms can be.
I am very excited to announce that a commentary and a lesson plan that I wrote have both been published in the most recent issue of the American Journal of Sexuality Education (Volume 7, Issue 2).
Getting to the Good Stuff: Adopting a Pleasure Framework for Sexuality Education
Don’t Forget the Good Stuff! Incorporating Positive Messages of Sexual Pleasure into Sexuality Education
Both pieces are a direct result of a workshop that I facilitated at the Center for Family Life Education’s Sex Ed Conference in November 2010. (This is also the workshop that the reporter from the NY Times Magazine attended when she wrote the article, Teaching Good Sex.)
In both the commentary and the lesson plan, I defined A Pleasure Framework for Sexuality Education:
The Pleasure Framework for Sexuality Education is an underlying approach to sexuality education that actively affirms sexual pleasure as beneficial to an individual’s overall sexual health. A sexuality education program with a pleasure framework…
- Focuses on the positive, pleasurable aspects of sexuality.
- Validates an individual’s desire to seek and experience pleasure.
- Examines challenges associated with experiencing pleasure.
- Explores the diversity of what pleasure means to individuals.
- Promotes the understanding of pleasure-seeking motivations.
- Supports open communication about experiencing pleasure.
- Integrates the concept of pleasure into all content areas.
- Encourages decision-making in order to achieve positive outcomes.
- Affirms that sexual pleasure is beneficial to an individual’s sexual health and well-being.
The Pleasure Framework for Sexuality Education calls on the teachers, facilitators, and/or program personnel to adopt a philosophy that the overall goal of their sexuality education program is for the participants to become healthier sexual beings, and that the experience of pleasure is central to that goal. This framework does not ask programs to omit or change the content areas that are already included in their curriculum. It does, however, require that the individuals who are administering the program maintain a sex-positive, pleasure-affirming perspective, and consistently frame learning around positive actions that are mindful of sexual pleasure. (deFur, K. (2012) Getting to the Good Stuff- Adopting a Pleasure Framework for Sexuality Education. American Journal of Sexuality Education. 7 (2), 151-152.)
In the commentary I go into more detail about why pleasure is key to sexuality education, strategies for applying the framework, and some anticipated challenges (and suggestions for facing those challenges). The lesson plan is designed to be used with professionals (although portions could be adapted for use with teens), and provides an opportunity to explore the meaning of pleasure, values associated with sexual pleasure, challenges for bringing pleasure up in the classroom, and practical use of the pleasure framework.
I feel like this is an exciting time for these publications to come out. In doing the research, I found that SO many people are talking about pleasure, especially when I think about how little was out there on this topic while I was in grad school (2004-2006). I feel honored to be joining my voice to the many others that are crying out for PLEASURE.
Summary of ideas generated during an activity for developing strategies to integrate positive messages of sexual pleasure into sexuality education programs at the Sex Ed Conference, November 18, 2010.
Last weekend I attended, and participated in a beautiful and meaningful wedding ceremony for two of my beloved friends. On the heels of this extraordinary union, I find myself thinking about commitment, a term that is most frequently paired with the words “Fear” and “Of“. How has something that is so honored and uplifted by our culture become so associated with fear?
First off, where do we learn about commitment, and what are we afraid of?
We learn about commitment from places like…
From these sources we learn to be afraid of failure, of not living up to expectations, of letting someone down, of being let down, of wasting time, of losing interest, and so on. Sifting through all of the messages coming in from all directions, both explicit and implicit, can be challenging and confusing at best. How are we supposed to embrace something that we really don’t understand? Enter, structured learning environment! However, sometimes the teachers could be driving the fear-wagon itself.
How could educators be contributing to the fear of commitment?
Some educators (or individuals in an educational role, such as parents) could be exacerbating the fear of commitment by…
All of the above place pressure on an individual to conform to certain ideals or stereotypes, which can contribute all those fe
ars associated with commitment. And they happen on a regular basis from all those sources, building up on each other. Rarely do we get the message, ‘you can figure commitment out for yourself, rather than be afraid of it’. (Although, I hear it’s a very common theme in therapy sessions!)
And, how many people actually had an opportunity to REALLY ‘learn’ about commitment, besides what they have gleaned from their parental units? When lacking a structured learning experience about relationship concepts, people are left to their own devices to figure out the ‘unknown’…and what’s scarier than the formidable ‘unknown’? A lot of commitment is about willing to face the unknown with a person, and do it no matter what. It makes sense that the concept of commitment be a part of a learning experience, at any and every age. So maybe all this fear is because it’s missing from the curriculum.
If it’s missing, what should the commitment lesson cover?
In theory, these lessons of commitment, when delivered with validation and respect for individuality, can help someone feel empowered to be committed, rather than afraid. Or at least willing to face their fears!
My friends made a commitment to each other, in the presence of their friends and family who will support them throughout their lives. Their relationship strength comes from their acceptance of participating in each others’ lives, even if they are afraid. The minister performing their ceremony even congratulated them on a job well done and gave a message of ‘keep it up’, instead of the traditional wedding advice. I think that what made their wedding so extraordinary was the clear demonstration of their willingness to face the unknown together. As educators, we should help foster that readiness and help prepare individuals to commit (or not), rather than be afraid.
Quick, think of a message about avoiding risky behaviors and making healthy decisions that you received when you were growing up.
…
…
…
…
Now think about that message…how did it make you feel? did it make you afraid of doing said behavior? did it prevent you from doing it? if you did it anyways, how did you feel after?
Didn’t think of anything at all? How about some of these…
Many very well-intentioned educators, policy-makers, and PSA designers resort to the use of fear to try and scare people out of engaging in risky behaviors. I argue that while it is essential that people understand the potential consequences of any action, using fear is not an effective educational tool for sexuality education, especially when the overall educational goal is for the participant to learn about making healthy sexual decisions and developing a healthy sexual self.
Why? Here are five reasons why I do not use fear in my role as a sexuality educator:
Instead of messages that are fearful and scary, I prefer to use educational approaches that encourage critical thinking, especially in realistic ways. It is possible to teach about all sorts of things that could result from engaging in sexual activity, such as STIs, unintended pregnancy, HIV, emotional backlash, without using fear- but it is the more difficult route.
So the challenge for sexuality educators is to be very cautious about the messages conveyed, both explicitly and implicitly, in order to ensure that those messages will help the participant feel empowered, not afraid. And, it might mean examining, and possibly changing activities and approaches that have been long implemented in highly acclaimed comprehensive sexuality education programs.
Stay tuned for more thoughts on how we do this! 
