Fearless Sexuality Educator

Sexuality education, without fear and with pleasure.

Archive for the category “Uncategorized”

22 Mar 2013

Friday FREAK OUT! Outrage over ads for Kegel exercises

Riding along on the Long Island Rail Road (LIRR), some people do not want to see ads about Kegel exercises. The ads, which have been up for about 4 weeks, read:

Ladies, admit it. You’re doing kegels right now.

The ads have been called offensive, appalling, outrageous, and over the line.

What many riders don’t know is that this ad is part of a tv network Veria Living’s Random Acts of Wellness Campaign. This campaign is meant to be a light-hearted way of getting people thinking about wellness.

Funny, because another fabulous awareness campaign was launched just this week that directly relates to these ads. Sexuality educator Debby Herbenick launched a fabulous new Tumblr, Make Sex Normal.

I think these Kegel ads are a great example of ways that we can make sex normal. If we can be open and honest about discussing pelvic exercises, then we set the foundation for individuals being comfortable talking about things like consent! These ads are a great opportunity for teachable moments to talk about how sexual health is about more than just condoms.

It’s too bad that according to the Huntington Patch, the ads will come down next week.

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05 Oct 2012

Friday FREAK OUT! Gay teen denied Eagle Scout Award, despite his project on tolerance

Ryan Andresen

 

http://nesa.org/methods.html

The Scouting program has three specific objectives, commonly referred to as the “Aims of Scouting.” They are character development, citizenship training, and personal fitness.

 

The methods by which the aims are achieved are listed below in random order to emphasize the equal importance of each.

 

Ideals

The ideals of Boy Scouting are spelled out in the Scout Oath, the Scout Law, the Scout motto, and the Scout slogan. The Boy Scout measures himself against these ideals and continually tries to improve. The goals are high, and, as he reaches for them, he has some control over what and who he becomes.

 

Patrols

The patrol method gives Boy Scouts an experience in group living and participating citizenship. It places responsibility on young shoulders and teaches boys how to accept it. The patrol method allows Scouts to interact in small groups where they can easily relate to each other. These small groups determine troop activities through their elected representatives.

 

Outdoor Programs

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Boy Scouting is designed to take place outdoors. It is in the outdoor setting that Scouts share responsibilities and learn to live with one another. It is here that the skills and activities practiced at troop meetings come alive with purpose. Being close to nature helps Boy Scouts gain an appreciation for God’s handiwork and humankind’s place in it. The outdoors is the laboratory for Boy Scouts to learn ecology and practice conservation of nature’s resources.

 

Advancement

Boy Scouting provides a series of surmountable obstacles and steps in overcoming them through the advancement method. The Boy Scout plans his advancement and progresses at his own pace as he meets each challenge. The Boy Scout is rewarded for each achievement, which helps him gain self-confidence. The steps in the advancement system help a Boy Scout grow in self-reliance and in the ability to help others.

 

Association with Adults

Boys learn a great deal by watching how adults conduct themselves. Scout leaders can be positive role models for the members of their troops. In many cases a Scoutmaster who is willing to listen to boys, encourage them, and take a sincere interest in them can make a profound difference in their lives.

 

Personal Growth

As Boy Scouts plan their activities and progress toward their goals, they experience personal growth. The Good Turn concept is a major part of the personal growth method of Boy Scouting. Boys grow as they participate in community service projects and do Good Turns for others. Probably no device is so successful in developing a basis for personal growth as the daily Good Turn. The religious emblems program also is a large part of the personal growth method. Frequent personal conferences with his Scoutmaster help each Boy Scout to determine his growth toward Scouting’s aims.

 

Leadership Development

The Boy Scout program encourages boys to learn and practice leadership skills. Every Boy Scout has the opportunity to participate in both shared and total leadership situations. Understanding the concepts of leadership helps a boy accept the leadership role of others and guides him toward the citizenship aim of Scouting.

 

Uniform

The uniform makes the Boy Scout troop visible as a force for good and creates a positive youth image in the community. Boy Scouting is an action program, and wearing the uniform is an action that shows each Boy Scout’s commitment to the aims and purposes of Scouting. The uniform gives the Boy Scout identity in a world brotherhood of youth who believe in the same ideals. The uniform is practical attire for Boy Scout activities and provides a way for Boy Scouts to wear the badges that show what they have accomplished.

Check out this Huffington Post article, outlining the ordeal.

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06 May 2012

May is National Masturbation Month!

May is National Masturbation Month!!!  You may ask, where did that come from, and do we really need an awareness month for masturbation?!  Well, there actually is a history behind this important and exciting awareness month, besides wanting to announce to the world that it’s a good idea to masturbate.

In December 1994, U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders was forced to resign for her statements about teaching about the topic of masturbation in sexuality education. “As per your specific question in regard to masturbation,” Dr. Elders said, “I think that is something that is a part of human sexuality and it’s a part of something that perhaps should be taught. But we’ve not even taught our children the very basics” (NY Times).  In reaction, the oh-so-wonderful Good Vibrations established May as National Masturbation Month the following May as a way to “highlight the importance of masturbation for nearly everyone: it’s safe, it’s healthy, it’s free, it’s pleasurable and it helps people get to know their bodies and their sexual responses.” While that statement cost Dr. Elders her job, it has not stopped her in a brazen attempt to improve the sexual health of the U.S.  And she was right!!!  By including the topic of masturbation in sexual education, we acknowledge sexuality as a natural part of human existence and encourage individuals to explore, understand and appreciate their sexual selves.

So- how are you recognizing this year’s masturbation awareness month?

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14 Apr 2012
3 Comments

Happy Birthday! Have you ___ yet?

Today is my birthday, woohoo!!  I celebrate my birthday loud and proud because for me, getting older is an adventure that can only bring more opportunities for excitement, learning, and fun times.  However, many people dread their birthdays because they do not want to be reminded of getting older. This might be because with age comes expectations of experience and achievement that can weigh heavy on an individual, especially if their experiences have been different than societal, family, or peer-group expectations.

By a certain age you should walk, talk, and poop in the potty.  By a certain age you should read, write, and remember your telephone number.  By a certain age you should have your period, start masturbating, and have a crush on someone.  By a certain age you should have a boyfriend/girlfriend, lose your virginity, and have an orgasm.  By a certain age you should have a job, be financially independent, and get married.   By a certain age you should be happy and satisfied in life.  By a certain age you should still be able to have sex.  Lots of expectations!  And if a birthday rolls around and you haven’t ‘done’ the thing that you’re supposed to do, that might make you dread your birthday.

And let’s be honest, most adults in the U.S. can remember how old they were for their many of their firsts…first kiss, first sexual encounter with another person, first act of intercourse, first orgasm, etc.  And, lots of people stress out about their age when thinking about their experiences with sexual activity- I was too young, too old, I AM too old to not have done this yet, I can’t do this yet, why can’t I still do this at my age.   Which brings up a question that is frequently asked by young people, parents, educators, politicians, judges…How old should someone be when they have sex?

My answer will always be- it’s different for everyone, and each person needs to decide for him/herself when it is appropriate for them.  Many people put some sort of age marker on sexual activity- for example, it’s ok to have sex once you’re 18.  (Or once you’re married.)  I find several things problematic with someone else defining when it’s ok to have sex (sex being a broad term encompassing many sexual activities and not just intercourse):

  1. that person probably won’t be there when the sex happens.
  2. everyone is different.
  3. defining someone else’s boundaries establishes expectations of achievement that can actually encourage someone to engage in activities before they are ready.
  4. in theory, attaching ages to experiences makes people hate their birthdays.

So how does an educator respond to this classic question, At what age should someone have sex?

  • You can describe the variety of experiences that other people have.  “Some people wait to have sex until they get married. Some people have sex when they are in a committed relationship.  The average age someone has sex for the first time in the U.S. is 18. People have sex well into their ‘old’ age.”
  • You can help identify ways an individual will know they are (or are not) ready to engage in sex. “How would someone know if they are interested in having sex? What are some reasons not to have sex? How might the law affect someone’s decision, especially laws about age of consent?”
  • You can help someone understand their own values about sexual activity. “What do you think are important parameters for having sex?  Are any of those based on age?”
  • You can say, “It is really up to each and every person to determine whether sex is appropriate for them at that age. If they aren’t able to make that informed decision yet, that’s a good indicator that sexual activity is not appropriate.”
  • NOTE:  Decisions about sexual activity may be different for individuals who are developmentally disabled.  So I ask this question to professionals in that field, how does this ‘you decide’ philosophy work with that population?

These responses are designed to encourage developing individualized ideas about a deeply personal decision.  Avoid placing hard and fast rules and expectations because that takes the power away from the individual.  We want people to be able to think on their own and feel comfortable with their decisions after their experiences.   And in my opinion, people shouldn’t hate their birthdays (but that is totally up to you!).

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05 Mar 2012
1 Comment

You’re Calling Me a Slut?!

This week Rush Limbaugh has been taken through the ringer for calling Sandra Fluke a slut because she was advocating for health care coverage of contraception.  And rightly so!  Here’s a recap of Limbaugh’s statements, courtesy of the NY Daily News:

“What does it say about the college co-ed Sandra Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says that she must be paid to have sex? What does that make her?” he asked his listeners.

“It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute,” Limbaugh continued. “She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex.”

When livid Democrats asked Limbaugh to apologize, he double-downed and went even further on Thursday, suggesting women who use insurance-covered birth control should post their sex tapes online.

“So Miss Fluke, and the rest of you Feminazis, here’s the deal. If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex. We want something for it. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.”

Seriously?  What frustrates me the most about Limbaugh’s statements is that he has shamed her for not just using birth control (which many women use for purposes besides contraception), but having sex (which he has assumed she is doing).  The best way to DISempower and exclude someone from a conversation is to make them feel ashamed about something that they do, think, and/or feel.  Way to go Limbaugh!  And props to Sandra, and all her supporters, for calling him out on it and articulating so clearly why his statements are extremely problematic.

This national outrage provides a great opportunity to explore the way that we frame individuals that engage in sexual activity, especially in an educational context.  ‘Risky sexual behaviors’ are often described as not only potentially harmful, but also with a word closely associated to being a ‘slut’- the word promiscuous, one of my absolute least favorite words.  Since it is perceived as less offensive, promiscuity finds its way into the vernacular of educators, parents, teachers, and policy makers more frequently than the word slut, despite its equally negative connotation.  Why do I dislike this word so much?  It makes me cringe because negative associations with sexual behavior are the opposite of my agenda as a sexuality educator.  I want individuals to feel comfortable discussing and learning about sexuality, rather than ashamed.  Any language used by educators that makes people feel bad about sex will only dissuade individuals from thinking critically about their sexual choices thus excluding them from the conversation.  The question for educators is, does your language make your participants feel empowered, or ashamed?

While challenging, it IS possible to talk about risk and potential negative outcomes without saying that sex is bad, and that people who engage in sexual activity are promiscuous (read ‘sluts’).  As Sandra Fluke said on MSNBC’s The Ed Show, “this is historically the kind of language that is used to silence women.”  Let’s not silence our participants by framing sexual activity as shameful.  Be mindful of your language (I’m talking to you, Rush!)!

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28 Feb 2012
1 Comment

Think Ahead, Before you Bed: real life condom challenges

I really like step #3, “discuss safer sex options with your partner”.

February is National Condom Month!  This ‘awareness month’ may prompt the question, how well do you know the steps to correct condom use?  But what about, how comfortable are you discussing and actually using condoms with an intimate partner?

Educational programs and campaigns have traditionally placed a lot of emphasis on the JUST DO IT and here is  HOW TO use a condom.  Lessons abound on How to purchase,  How to put on, How to remove, and even How to discard (not in the toilet!)- these are all REALLY important.  But are teachers also adequately addressing the how to use WITH a partner?

As much as we might teach students the steps of using a condom correctly and encourage them to use them as much as possible,  implementing those steps can be far more complicated, and our educational programs need to reflect the complexity of actual intimate situations. What are some of the challenges that may be faced in real life, in addition to not knowing all the steps to correct condom use?

  • Preferring the feeling of sexual activity without a condom, “It feels better without one!”
  • Believing that if two people are committed, condoms aren’t needed, “If you’re just with me, we don’t need to use a condom.”
  • No perceived risk associated with the sexual act, “I can’t get pregnant/STIs.”
  • Lack of concern about the risks involved, “It’s no big deal if I get an STI.”
  • The rewards of sex without a condom outweighing any risks, “Even if I get an STI, my partner will like me more because we have sex without a condom.”
  • Difficulty communicating with a partner about condom use, “I can’t talk to my partner about condoms!”
  • A male’s challenge maintaining an erection while using a condom. (I don’t have a quote for this one.)
  • A female’s allergy to latex. (Or this one)
  • Simply not thinking about it. “Well, I guess we won’t use a condom!”

These challenges are often not directly addressed in real life- the quotes above are often barely even acknowledged as thoughts. Or they are recognized as afterthoughts!  It is our job as educators to establish a safe space where these challenges can be discussed and explored ahead of time, so that individuals are better prepared to assert a response that they are confident in when a condom challenge is faced.

So in this conversation about condoms, it shouldn’t be as simple as “No Glove, no Love” or “You could get a germ if you don’t cover your worm.”  Although, these slogans are loads of fun and make me smile, and I’ll admit that marketing needs to be concise and catchy in its messaging.  But something is missing, because despite the hilarious messaging out there encouraging us to “wrap it before you tap it,” there are still cases of STIs and unintended pregnancy, not to mention the individuals with ‘oops’ syndrome. (Ooops! We didn’t use a condom.)  Sexuality educators need to devote time in their programs to examine all of these challenges, because they pose a much larger hurdle to overcome than learning the steps of correct condom use and just telling people to “avoid your frown, contain your clown”.

Ps. For more condom slogans, check out: http://www.condomslogans.com.  and as a warning, some slogans listed on this link are heteronormative and potentially offensive.

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14 Feb 2012

Preaching Partnership

In the season of Valentine’s Day, I am reminded of how partnered our society is.  In US society, a significant measure of perceived success relies on an individuals’ status as ‘in a relationship’, especially one that will result in a long-term commitment such as marriage, and/or kids.  Think about the last time you spent time with someone you haven’t seen in a year (and they aren’t on Facebook!).  Did your conversation include the relationship status for either, or both of you?  Most likely yes.  The topic of relationships comes up A LOT in conversation, and that can put an enormous amount of pressure on an individual to be in a relationship.  Not only is this emphasis evident in social culture, and our media, it is also highly present within the field of sexuality education.

As a standard in sexuality education, when teachers are discussing the ‘appropriate’ context for sexual activity they say that it is best when in a committed relationship.  (Many programs actually dictate that the only acceptable context for sexual activity is within the confines of marriage, but that is probably a whole other post!)  The advantages described include increased likelihood of communication, an established rapport, and less risk for sexually transmitted infections.  However, I believe that there are some distinct disadvantages to ‘preaching partnership’ as the best option for sexual activity:

  • Some individuals may never be in a long-term committed relationship. (gasp!)
  • Lots of people stay in unhappy, frustrating relationships because of the perceived importance of being partnered.
  • Being in a relationship could actually put someone at higher risk of sexually transmitted infections if one partner is engaging in sexual activity outside of the partnership.  (This is a lot more common than many would admit!)

So what’s the alternative?  I believe that by individualizing the conversation about sexual decision-making, it lessens the preachiness of a message.  Rather than telling students that the BEST option for sexual activity is in the context of a relationship, encourage individuals to identify their own parameters for engaging in particular actions.  Some people may articulate that the best context is within a partnership.  It would make sense that if an individual comes to that realization on their own (rather than being told), they will be feel better about that decision and more likely to stick to it and be true to themselves.  And some people may prefer to be single, and they are still sexual beings and need to be prepared to make sexual decisions.

Focusing so much on the value of partnership for sexual activity can have some emotional side effects even years down the line, and our goal as educators should be to help individuals feel more comfortable, not freaked out because it didn’t turn out the way ‘they’ said it would.  As a sexuality educator, I challenge myself to be not only fearless, gender neutral, and pro-pleasure, but also non-partnered.  Describe the options that people have for expressing their sexuality, just don’t say that one of them is the best- because that is likely different for everyone!

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06 Feb 2012

What’s in a name?

In the last few weeks, as I have been telling my friends about my new blog, I have had quite a few responses regarding the length of my site’s title, fearlesssexualityeducator.  I will admit, it is pretty long, however, I saw no way around it- and I will tell you why.

Fearless.  This word characterizes my own personality, my own outlook on life, and my approach to learning environments.  I believe that going through life being afraid of what might happen will limit our experiences exponentially.  I certainly have my own fears…for example heights make me very queasy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t muster the courage to look over the edge!  However there are plenty of educational agendas (either in the classroom, among peers, or through the media), that try to scare people out of doing things.  Alternatively, I seek, as an educator, to encourage critical thinking about  topics that could be scary, so that when faced with a scenario that involves risk, individuals are better prepared.  I hope that none of my participants ever leave a program feeling afraid of sexuality; in fact, I hope that they will feel more comfortable and at ease with the topic, which is pretty much the opposite of fear!

Sexuality.  This is the topic on which I have become an expert (or I am striving to become).  Every professional in this field has thought long and hard about this word.  When describing the work that I do, I am extremely intentional about using the full word, sexuality.  If I chop off the ‘uality’, it just leaves ‘sex’, which is merely an action.  If I’m just educating about actions, there isn’t really that much to talk about! But when you consider ‘sexuality’ as a whole, it encompasses much more than actions, but also concepts such as attraction, identity, intimacy, relationships, anatomy, reproduction and sexual health.  While it may be more concise and convenient to just say ‘sex’, what I’m talking about is much more than that!

from teachingsexualhealth.ca

Educator.  This is the role that I have adopted in order to help people learn about, and become more comfortable with the topic in which I have become expert-like.  For me, being an educator comes hand in hand with being a facilitator.  I utilize discussion and interaction in all of the learning environments I lead, because I believe that much of ‘learning’ about sexuality is about self-reflection and discovery.  I struggle to describe myself as a teacher, in part because of the myriad of negative connotations with the term that date back to horrible grade school math teachers, and also because I rarely find myself in conventional school settings.  So I find that the term educator applies well to my skills and approach.

And there you have it.  I felt I couldn’t really compromise on any of those terms, because they all make up an important part of what this is all about.  And what’s so bad about a long name?  Made you think about it, at least. :)

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25 Jan 2012

Rules are meant to be broken

At parent orientations and teacher trainings, I often get the chance to ask adults what they remember about the messages they received about sexuality when they were growing up.  Inevitably, a good chunk of the group shares that they received simple, direct messages such as…

  • Don’t have sex.
  • Sex isn’t something people talk about.
  • Sex is meant for a man and a woman, who are married.

In essence, these messages end up serving as concrete rules for an individual’s sexuality.  However, placing strict, rigid rules on sexual activity has some potential disadvantages, especially from a teaching perspective.  For example, rules are applied to everyone, every situation, every relationship, regardless of the diversity of experience. Not to mention that rules ignore the passing of time, and sexuality is a component of human nature that develops and changes and shifts over our entire lives.  In addition, as we have all heard in some context or another, rules are meant to be broken.  I am not immune to this human characteristic- if I tell myself to not eat chocolate ever again, I will likely eat chocolate before the day is out!! Apply the theory to rules about sexual activity, and you can infer the rest.

In my experience both as a student and a professional, many teachers fall into the routine of prescribing rules as a method of imparting key messages to their students.  True, some messages do need to be articulated in a strong, strict manner, such as “Do not force someone to engage in an activity they do not want to.”  However, many messages conveyed during a sexuality education program need to be framed as an individual decision that will promote critical thinking.  For example, rather than telling students to “not have sex unless x, y, z is accounted for,” ask students to define for themselves, “how will you know that you are comfortable having sex in x, y, z situation?”

Basically, help students establish their own boundaries, rather than forcing them to adhere to rules.  Boundaries are flexible, unique, and can be different in a variety of situations and relationships.  They can also be highly individualized, honoring the diversity of sexual experience.  One catch is that because of all these characteristics, boundaries are more difficult to define.  Educators need to be patient and creative in this endeavor, and provide students with many scenarios in which to examine the influences and decision-making factors in each that may affect their boundaries.

All in all, boundaries are meant to be respected vs. rules, which are meant to be broken.

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19 Jan 2012

Being Intentional about Language

Language is a wonderful, and powerful tool.  It’s how we communicate among each other, how we learn new things, and how we pose philosophical questions.  It’s what sets humans apart from most other mammals.  Language carries with it the possibility of enlightenment, and/or destruction.  Words can make an individual think, or they can shut someone down. Words can make you excited, or afraid!!

In sexuality education, it is absolutely essential that an educator be 100% intentional about language.  Not just in what words are said, but how they are said. Body language and facial expressions can carry just as much weight as words themselves (if not more!).  When educators are careless with their words, participants will perceive and imitate that carelessness. Additionally, positive modeling of consistent, intentional language will help the participants develop their own intentionality.

What are some examples of intentional language?

  • Using gender neutral language and names throughout an educational program.
  • Consistently offering praise and positive reinforcement, even when correcting mistakes.
  • Avoiding blaming statements.
  • Acknowledging diversity in culture, types of relationships, sexual orientation, sexual practices, etc.

Here are some tips for being intentional about language:

  1. Be prepared.  Be overprepared.  Be so prepared you could lead the lesson in your sleep.
  2. Know the topic, as well as you can.
  3. Know the limits of your expertise and be willing to admit that someone else (or google) might know more than you.
  4. If possible, participate in the activity before you lead it.  This will help you…(read on!)
  5. …Anticipate the responses from participants, so that you are unflappable.
  6. If you are flapped, have a recovery strategy.
  7. Be OK with pausing.  Take a moment to breathe and slow down (you might be talking too fast anyways).
  8. Have a list of general, open-ended questions in your ‘back pocket’.
  9. Remember, the activity should be about the participants, not you- make sure that you’re not doing all the talking!
  10. Use positively-framed questions.  For example, instead of asking, “How can you avoid STIs”, try asking, “How can you make healthy decisions”.
  11. Listen carefully to the participants- to what they are saying, and possibly what they are not saying.
  12. Smile.  Not only does smiling disarm participants and demonstrate that you are enjoying yourself, it also is a great way for you to stop and think carefully about the best way to frame your statement/question.

In essence, being intentional about language is a state of mind, which educators should all embrace when in any educational capacity.  It’s not always easy, and it doesn’t always happen, but it’s a goal that we can strive to achieve.

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