Fearless Sexuality Educator

Sexuality education, without fear and with pleasure.

Archive for the tag “sexuality”

01 May 2013

Tweeting about Consent for #Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Hey folks! April was Sexual Assault Awareness Month (#SAAM). Early on in April I decided to raise awareness about sexual assault by focusing on key messages about CONSENT on Twitter. For anyone looking for a summary, or who isn’t on Twitter, here are my April #SAAM tweets:

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29 Apr 2013

In response to the overwhelming media coverage of rape, it’s time to talk about consent

Lately it seems as though every other news article, radio show, tweet, or blog post is about rape or sexual assault. Steubenville, Delhi, Rio de Janeiro, Halifax, Saratoga- it is clearly an international problem (and those are just five examples), and this important issue has gotten an overwhelming amount of media coverage recently. I have done a lot of work in violence prevention, and it can be challenging to hear story after story about serious violations and despicable acts of sexual assault. The increased media attention can push this issue to the forefront of policymakers agendas and inspire effective educational campaigns, but it can also be confusing and draining for young people to absorb. (I mean, it’s tough for even the most experienced professionals.) A parent recently asked me…

There’s so much going on about rape in the news these days, what can I say to my teens?

This is a very important question, that many may be overlooking. As much as we may want to shield our young people from the horrors of life, they will undoubtedly be exposed to something about rape these days. We need to see this overwhelming attention to rape as teachable moment to discuss ways to prevent sexual assault and encourage young people to gain and seek consent as a strategy to prevent sexual assault and rape. It’s a way to tell people what they should be doing, instead what they should be avoiding.Java Printing

Adults need to engage in critical dialogue with the young people in their lives about what it means to seek and give consent. Parents, teachers, family members, faith leaders, etc can all take a moment to reflect on all of these cases in intentional conversations. Ask what they have heard/seen about the various cases being covered, and what their peers are saying about how teens have reacted. Here are a few suggestions for key messages to focus on and conversation starters:

  • Consent is when one person gives permission to engage in a particular activity. How do you think consent can help in a relationship?
  • Always gain consent for any physical interaction. How do you know if consent has been given?
  • Give consent in clear ways. What’s an example of giving consent?
  • Respect the boundaries that other people establish. What is a boundary, and how can a boundary help someone feel safe?
  • Accept no for an answer. What can you do if someone says no? What might happen if someone does not respect another person’s no?
  • If you are unsure whether or not consent has been given, stop and ask. How might you ask someone if they have consented?
  • Sometimes a person is unable to give consent, like when they are unconscious, intoxicated, or under a certain age. How would you know if a person is unable to give consent?
  • If someone engages in sexual activity with someone who has not consented, that is considered sexual assault, or rape. Sex without consent is not OK! How can you help create a social community that is respectful and honors everyone’s right to consent?
  • Someone who has experienced sexual assault needs support and understanding. What could you do if you know someone who has been hurt?
  • Social media outlets such as Facebook and Twitter should be used carefully and conscientiously. How might Facebook or Twitter be a negative influence on teens’ attitudes about rape? How could they be used to bully another person after they have been sexually assaulted? How might social media be used in a good way?
  • Be a role model for others. How can you help your peers understand consent?

A few other posts and responses to the recent flurry of media about rape have stood out to me as great resources for helping young people understand this issue:

Laurie Halse Anderson: Another Hard Thing About Being a Parent

Huffington Post: A Letter to My Sons About Stopping Rape

The Good Men Project: The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21.

King County Sexual Assault Resource Center, 100 Conversations: Conversations about Consent

And there is a whole bunch more out there too. The point is, do something, say something, and make it stick. Be consistent in your messaging, and the youth around you will learn consent from you.

Posted in Consent, Media and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment
22 Mar 2013

Friday FREAK OUT! Outrage over ads for Kegel exercises

Riding along on the Long Island Rail Road (LIRR), some people do not want to see ads about Kegel exercises. The ads, which have been up for about 4 weeks, read:

Ladies, admit it. You’re doing kegels right now.

The ads have been called offensive, appalling, outrageous, and over the line.

What many riders don’t know is that this ad is part of a tv network Veria Living’s Random Acts of Wellness Campaign. This campaign is meant to be a light-hearted way of getting people thinking about wellness.

Funny, because another fabulous awareness campaign was launched just this week that directly relates to these ads. Sexuality educator Debby Herbenick launched a fabulous new Tumblr, Make Sex Normal.

I think these Kegel ads are a great example of ways that we can make sex normal. If we can be open and honest about discussing pelvic exercises, then we set the foundation for individuals being comfortable talking about things like consent! These ads are a great opportunity for teachable moments to talk about how sexual health is about more than just condoms.

It’s too bad that according to the Huntington Patch, the ads will come down next week.

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05 Feb 2013

Kia’s Babylandia Superbowl Commercial: How NOT to respond to the question, “where do babies come from”

Space Babies: while they may be babies, they don’t come from space. Unless you are Superman.

Who doesn’t LOVE pandas, puppies, and babies dressed up as astronauts? Well, as cute as the Kia Babylandia commercial aired during the superbowl may appear, the message that we should tell our kids that babies come from OUTER SPACE is wrong! It’s so wrong that I had to write a post about it, and I couldn’t wait until Friday (although this kind of belongs in my Friday Freak Out series!).

This commercial has been one of the favorites, lauded as cute and relate-able, and the dad is described as creative and imaginative. However, I think he’s scared and misguided. The twitterverse has focused mostly on the cute pandas, the fancy effects, and the funny ending, but has largely ignored the problems with this commercial. This commercial incorrectly tells parents that…

  1. when their kids ask, “where do babies come from”, they should make up a fairytale planet such as Babylandia instead of being honest and informing them of the facts.
  2. they should avoid the topic of sexuality because it’s something that doesn’t deserve the truth.
  3. when their child is sharing what they know, it’s ok to cut them off mid-sentence.
  4. when they don’t feel prepared to answer a question, they should make something up instead.

What messages SHOULD we be emphasizing?

  • Babies don’t come from outer space.
  • It’s ok for kids to ask their parents about where babies come from. Actually, they SHOULD ask their parents!
  • The car is actually a great place to ask/answer questions about sexuality.
  • Take advantage of teachable moments, especially when the moment is because a child asks a specific question.
  • Listen to what children are saying, so they feel respected and comfortable asking more questions.
  • Sexuality is a natural part of human existence, and sexual expression isn’t supernatural or alien.
  • Parents don’t have to be scared to answer questions- if you’re not sure how to respond, tell them you’ll answer their question later (and then DO IT!).

I know that Kia has to sell cars, and that their fancy voice-commands demonstrate that this fancy car has an ‘answer for everything’, but this commercial just reinforces the idea that kids don’t deserve the facts about life, and parents don’t know how to teach them anyways. Parents should be a child’s primary sexuality educator, and this commercial does nothing to help parents feel empowered to take on that role. In fact, it does the exact opposite.

Need help talking to young kids about sexuality? I highly recommend the book but how’d I get in there in the first place? by Deborah Roffman (2002), which talks about answering children’s questions according to their developmental stage.  It’s an easy and approachable read, focusing on kids 6 years old and under.

Posted in Friday FREAK OUT, Media and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a Comment
21 Dec 2012
2 Comments

Friday FREAK OUT! Nice-Guy-Gate

[TRIGGER WARNING for the topic of rape]

In the last few weeks in the feminist blogosphere a HEATED debate has emerged that started with an article posted on the Good Men Project titled, Nice Guys Commit Rape Too, written by Alyssa Royse.  This article tells the story of a ‘nice guy’ that commits an act of rape, and the author seeks to explore why/how it happened: “In order to get to that answer we need to first abolish the idea that all rape is about power and violence. It’s not. Some rape begins as the earnest belief that sex is going to happen, and that it should. The confusion starts with misreading socially accepted cues.”

In the aftermath of this article’s publication, there has ensued a series of responses, rebuttals, and other public outrage via social media.  Here is a sample of what you can find if you jump down the rabbit-hole of ‘nice-guy-gate’, in approximate chronological order:

11/30/12 Good Men Project: Nice Guys Commit Rape Too, by Alyssa Royse – the article that started it all.

12/1/12 Good Men Project: Nice Guys Commit Rape Too, A Response, by Matthew Salesses.

12/8/12 Feministe: What in holy hell is this, by Jill Filipovic.

12/10/12 Good Men Project: I’d Rather Risk Rape than Quit Partying, by ANONYMOUS. [this is the story of a self-identified rapist]

12/10/12 Feministe: And just when you thought the Good Men Project couldn’t get any worse, by Jill Filipovic.

12/10/12 Good Men Project: This is Why We Published a Rapist’s Story, by Joanna Schroeder.

12/10/12 The Soapbox: On Nice Guys as Rapists, by Amelia McDonnell Perry.

12/11/12 Why did the Good Men Project publish a blog by an unrepentant and unconvicted rapist? by Ally Fogg.

12/18/12 Why the ‘nice guys commit rape too’ conversation is not helpful, by Jill Filipovic.

12/??/12 Why I Left the GMP, by Ozy Frantz.

12/20/2012 Rapists Say They Rape Because of Mixed Signals and the Good Men Project Believes Them, by Amanda Marcotte.

Wow, there is a lot being said, and people are surely freakin out about it.  Myself included.  I have really struggled to wrap my head around all of the points being made, and how to frame this debate in a productive manner for myself.

One thing that I am reminded about as I have been digesting the myriad of viewpoints is that consent is an essential topic to cover in sexuality education.  Because it’s not enough just to tell someone, “don’t rape”.  As sexuality educators, we MUST teach participants…

  • What is consent?
  • What do you need consent for?
  • How is consent communicated?
  • How do you know if consent is given?
  • How do you know if consent is not given?
  • How do non-verbal cues affect the understanding of consent?
  • When is someone unable to give consent?

And I’m just getting started!  This is a challenging concept to both teach, and to learn.  As ‘students’, we learn different things about consent from our teachers, peers, the media, parents, religion, etc., and we rarely have an opportunity to truly examine and explore all of the nuances of communicating about consent in real life situations.  Sexuality education should be an opportunity for individuals to learn how to make healthy decisions about sexual activity that are 100% consensual.  (Stay tuned for a more in-depth post on consent in the future.)

I encourage sexuality educators to critically examine all sides of ‘nice-guy-gate’ in order to understand the scope of this controversy. It is also critical that we all send a clear message about the importance of consent, because surely we could all learn about bit more about it.

Posted in Friday FREAK OUT and tagged , , , , ,
18 Dec 2012
1 Comment

Overcoming Sex-Shaming Rhetoric at the CFLE Sex Ed Conference 2012

At the CFLE’s annual National Sex Ed Conference I had the pleasure of facilitating a workshop titled Dare to be Shameless! Overcoming Sex-Shaming Rhetoric in Sexuality Education.  During this one-hour workshop we listed examples of sex-shaming rhetoric, identified ways that sex-shaming rhetoric can impact an educational environment, and described strategies for countering sex-shaming rhetoric.  Yep, we did all that in just one hour.  Phew!

It was a wonderful experience being able to engage other sexuality education professionals in a conversation about how our language can make someone feel ashamed about their sexuality, sometimes without that intention.  What even is sex-shaming rhetoric?  As far as I know (and please correct me if I’m wrong), it’s a new concept that needs descriptions and definitions.  During this workshop, I had the help of 75 participants in outlining how sex-shaming rhetoric may be characterized.  photoMy own working definition of sex-shaming rhetoric is:

Language used that makes an individual feel ashamed of a healthy sexual experience, feeling, or act.

This definition may be too straight-forward, or maybe its brevity allows essential room for interpretation.  In short, we as educators must be aware of how our rhetoric around sexuality, including our educational lesson plans, may make someone feel ashamed of their sexuality.

As part of the workshop, I asked participants to write down an example of something someone might say that could be considered sex-shaming, thinking especially of something a sexuality educator might say.  Here are some of the examples they came up with:

  • “If you get pregnant/get a girl pregnant, your life will be ruined.”
  • “There is a time and a place to talk about sex and sex topics, and this isn’t it.”
  • “Clean” = STI negative
  • “When you have a new partner, you must use protection.” (It’s fear-based rhetoric and shaming for people.)
  • A person with multiple partners is nasty.
  • “Sexting is a horrible thing and doing it can ruin your life.”
  • Heterosexual sex is ‘normal’ sex.
  • “You shouldn’t be thinking about sex, you should be thinking about college.”
  • “You’re not old enough to ask those questions!”
  • “If you can’t see something without a mirror, it probably means you shouldn’t be looking at it.”
  • “You’re stupid if you get pregnant.”
  • “You will regret it.”
  • “Boys don’t respect girls that have sex too soon.”
  • “Males tend to be more focused on sex than females.”
  • “…not something [that] good boys and girls do.”
  • “If you sleep with someone too soon, you might smear your reputation.”
  • “What would your parents say if they found out you were having sex?”
  • “You shouldn’t have sex unless you’re in love.”

These examples depict characteristics of sex-shaming rhetoric, and yet they are things that we have all probably heard at least once in our lives from someone of authority.  Being a sexuality educator is an honor, a privilege, and a responsibility.  It is up to us to help people feel comfortable asking questions about sexuality, and learn more about themselves, rather than making someone feel bad and ashamed.  Certainly, there are behaviors that need to be deemed as not OK, and that someone should feel ashamed about, such as engaging in any sexual behavior without consent.  However educators (not just sexuality educators, but anyone who is potentially educating others) need to be aware of how their language can be interpreted.  Our educational approaches can be affirming, rather than shame-inducing.

Thank you to all who attended this workshop, and I look forward to continuing this work on improving our sexuality education rhetoric.

Posted in Conference Musings, Shameless and tagged , , , , , ,
25 Nov 2012
1 Comment

Daring to be Shameless

Today I have been preparing for a workshop I’ll be leading this upcoming Friday at the CFLE’s National Sex Ed Conference in New Jersey.  My workshop will be part of a Topic Track on Addressing Shame in Sex Ed.  Here’s the description:

Dare to Be Shameless! Overcoming Sex-Shaming Rhetoric in Sexuality Education  Rush Limbaugh was criticized for calling Sandra Fluke a slut for supporting birth control, but how shameless are sexuality educators? Are you inadvertently using sex-shaming rhetoric? Workshop participants will examine what sex-shaming rhetoric entails, reflect on how sex-shaming can impact sexuality education, and identify alternative approaches that are sex-positive.

My 1-hour workshop will be followed by a session by Megan Andelloux and Aida Manduley discussing the role that shame, guilt, and embarrassment play in sexuality education.  It’s exciting to be a part of a conference workshop series that is exploring the drawbacks of shame in sexuality education.

My preparation for this workshop has me thinking a lot about how people have absorbed and developed a sense of shame about sexuality- both from an educators’ and a students’ standpoint.  There are several potential sources of this shame:

  • Family- parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, faux-family (like my ‘uncle’ lou)
  • Religion- faith communities, religious texts, religious leaders
  • Media- television, books, internet, billboards, music
  • School- teachers, support staff, textbooks, peers

We pick up our attitudes and reactions to sex and sexuality from all of these sources, whether we like it or not.  And a lot of the time, what we learn is less from what is explicitly verbalized and more about the ‘music’ in the background.  It’s the pursed lips at someone laughing when the teacher says ‘penis’. It’s the flared nostrils when someone asks their mom for the definition of a wet dream.  It’s the rolled eyes when someone doesn’t know what a sexually transmitted infection is.  It’s the unwillingness to answer a question about masturbation because it’s ‘off topic’.  All these reactions teach others that sexuality is something to be ashamed of, and that conversations about sexual experiences are inappropriate.

Being shameless is about using language that is open and accepting; it’s also about maintaining a physical posture of validation and support throughout any interaction with a participant, son, daughter, congregant, etc.  A teacher can tell their students that it’s ok for two people of the same gender to be in love through their words, but the way that they will actually hear it is through their body language, attitudes, and actions. My workshop on Friday will focus on how rhetoric can be sex-shaming. Let’s remember that sex-shaming rhetoric comes from a lot of shameful background ‘music’.

Posted in Shameless and tagged , , , ,
26 Oct 2012

Friday FREAK OUT! Yet another rape comment

Is it really a surprise that yet another Republican candidate has made an outrageous comment about rape?  This week Richard Mourdock, a candidate for the Indiana Senate and endorsed by presidential candidate Mitt Romney, said, “even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.” Also note that while Romney said he disagrees with Mourdock on this issue, he still supports him.

Stephen Colbert’s Team RAPE

The string of comments from republicans this election season has received overwhelming attention from the media, including John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, who offers a summary of comments from the GOP and rounds them up as Team Rape.

Sexuality educators! PLEASE use this opportunity to discuss the topic of sexual assault and sexual violence with your participants.  While we may be laughing at the extreme comments made, especially the recurrence of them, rape is no laughing matter.  Use the commentary to engage in thoughtful conversations about why the comments being made are so extreme, and how they can formulate their own opinions about reproductive choice.

Here are some points to make:

  • No one deserves to be sexually assaulted in any way.
  • Consent is paramount when engaging in sexual activity with another person.
  • Rape and sexual assault are against the law.
  • You have the right to make choices about your own body.
  • Everyone deserves to have healthy sexual activity that is completely safe and consensual.

Also see my related post about Todd Akin’s comment on legitimate rape.

 

 

 

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05 Oct 2012

Friday FREAK OUT! Gay teen denied Eagle Scout Award, despite his project on tolerance

Ryan Andresen

 

http://nesa.org/methods.html

The Scouting program has three specific objectives, commonly referred to as the “Aims of Scouting.” They are character development, citizenship training, and personal fitness.

 

The methods by which the aims are achieved are listed below in random order to emphasize the equal importance of each.

 

Ideals

The ideals of Boy Scouting are spelled out in the Scout Oath, the Scout Law, the Scout motto, and the Scout slogan. The Boy Scout measures himself against these ideals and continually tries to improve. The goals are high, and, as he reaches for them, he has some control over what and who he becomes.

 

Patrols

The patrol method gives Boy Scouts an experience in group living and participating citizenship. It places responsibility on young shoulders and teaches boys how to accept it. The patrol method allows Scouts to interact in small groups where they can easily relate to each other. These small groups determine troop activities through their elected representatives.

 

Outdoor Programs

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Boy Scouting is designed to take place outdoors. It is in the outdoor setting that Scouts share responsibilities and learn to live with one another. It is here that the skills and activities practiced at troop meetings come alive with purpose. Being close to nature helps Boy Scouts gain an appreciation for God’s handiwork and humankind’s place in it. The outdoors is the laboratory for Boy Scouts to learn ecology and practice conservation of nature’s resources.

 

Advancement

Boy Scouting provides a series of surmountable obstacles and steps in overcoming them through the advancement method. The Boy Scout plans his advancement and progresses at his own pace as he meets each challenge. The Boy Scout is rewarded for each achievement, which helps him gain self-confidence. The steps in the advancement system help a Boy Scout grow in self-reliance and in the ability to help others.

 

Association with Adults

Boys learn a great deal by watching how adults conduct themselves. Scout leaders can be positive role models for the members of their troops. In many cases a Scoutmaster who is willing to listen to boys, encourage them, and take a sincere interest in them can make a profound difference in their lives.

 

Personal Growth

As Boy Scouts plan their activities and progress toward their goals, they experience personal growth. The Good Turn concept is a major part of the personal growth method of Boy Scouting. Boys grow as they participate in community service projects and do Good Turns for others. Probably no device is so successful in developing a basis for personal growth as the daily Good Turn. The religious emblems program also is a large part of the personal growth method. Frequent personal conferences with his Scoutmaster help each Boy Scout to determine his growth toward Scouting’s aims.

 

Leadership Development

The Boy Scout program encourages boys to learn and practice leadership skills. Every Boy Scout has the opportunity to participate in both shared and total leadership situations. Understanding the concepts of leadership helps a boy accept the leadership role of others and guides him toward the citizenship aim of Scouting.

 

Uniform

The uniform makes the Boy Scout troop visible as a force for good and creates a positive youth image in the community. Boy Scouting is an action program, and wearing the uniform is an action that shows each Boy Scout’s commitment to the aims and purposes of Scouting. The uniform gives the Boy Scout identity in a world brotherhood of youth who believe in the same ideals. The uniform is practical attire for Boy Scout activities and provides a way for Boy Scouts to wear the badges that show what they have accomplished.

Check out this Huffington Post article, outlining the ordeal.

Posted in Friday FREAK OUT, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , | Leave a Comment
10 Aug 2012
1 Comment

Friday FREAK OUT! Olympic Boobs & Boners

The XXX summer Olympics sure have given sexuality educators a lot to talk about! While athletes have been worried about performing their best, keeping up with the competition, representing their country, and winning a medal, WE have been preoccupied with boners and boobs.

On Monday, US rower Henrik Rummel stood happy as a clam with his team as they received a bronze medal in the coxless four rowing competition. The photo went viral, as many pointed to Rummel’s apparent erection. On Tuesday he did post a statement that his penis was not erect, but it was simply the position and angle that made it appear that way. Huffington post did a great summary of the ordeal. Either way, a lot more people found out about this bronze medal than would have without Rummel’s help!

A day earlier, a US v Spain water polo match was aired on NBC without editing out an underwater shot of an exposed breast. The headlines about the exposure indicate that viewers were shocked!!! OMG! Check out this story about the big reveal. (the match ended up as a tie, 9-9)

Both these stories about standard body parts hit the headlines running. What impact do these freak outs have? They teach us that parts of our bodies are different enough to freak out about, which could simply exacerbate existing body image issues and bodily discomfort. Sexuality educators can use these opportunities to explain that while our society might freak out about boobs and boners, they are really just natural parts of the female and male bodies, and are nothing to be ashamed of.

Posted in Friday FREAK OUT and tagged , , , ,

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