Friday FREAK OUT! Revenge porn

This week there’s been a lot of talk about revenge porn. What is revenge porn, you might ask? Urban dictionary provides a good definition: “a nude photograph or video which is publicly shared online (most frequently by an ex-lover of the subject’s) for the purpose of spiteful humiliation.” There are apparently an abundance of websites that cater specifically to exes everywhere wanting to post the sexy pics they took of their previous partners. A few popular examples include and

While revenge porn has been part of modern day culture since the dawn of the internet, it’s gotten a lot of attention lately because of a law suit against the website The NY Times highlighted the lawsuit in an article on Monday. This comes alongside legislation being considered in California to criminalize revenge porn. In only one state, New Jersey, is it a crime to distribute images without the subject’s consent. Since it’s not illegal, the posters, the websites, and/or the web hosts (such as are not at fault for posting these pics. (They may not be at fault, but they are jerks. I guess being a jerk isn’t against the law. yet.) The call for criminalization legislation is spearheaded by

Emily Bazeon’s piece in Slate makes an excellent point: Why do we tolerate revenge porn?

But while legislators are pushing for laws that criminalize the act of revenge porn, what can we do to help prevent it in the first place?
– Talk about the risks of sharing nude photos
– Talk about the responsibility of having nude photos
– Talk about what it might mean if those photos are shared publicly
– Talk about how it might feel for someone to be a victim of revenge porn
– Talk about how society both applauds and abhors revenge porn
– Talk about how if someone voluntarily seeks out and consumes revenge porn, that’s a way of promoting and encouraging the behavior
– Talk about how it’s really all about consent- the poster is sharing something without the consent of the subject
– Talk about how to cope with loss when a relationship has ended, and how to channel negative feelings about an ex into healthier behaviors that don’t involve violating someone’s privacy

We should have a no tolerance policy when it comes to doing things that are nonconsensual, and we also need to help individuals realize that revenge porn is at the end of the day, an unethical, and downright jerky thing to do. And no one wants to be a jerk.

Friday FREAK OUT! Porn Sex vs. Real Sex: The differences explained with food

On your Facebook feed, scrolling through Twitter, or in the Huffington Post Weird News section, you may stumble across a wildly popular video making the rounds on the internet: Porn Sex vs. Real Sex: The differences explained with food.

This short, hilarious video demonstrates some of the ways that pornography distorts the realities of sexuality, sharing tidbits such as….

In real life 75 percent of men ejaculate within 3 minutes.

71 percent of all women can’t orgasm through penetration.

all through the use of fruits, vegetables, and other things found in the kitchen in only 1:48. The use of food adds humor to a subject that is still somewhat taboo to discuss, as pointed out in an article by Mark Wilson.

In response to this video, a few people in the porn industry admit that porn is not meant to teach people how to have sex. Nina Hartley shared with the Huffington Post:

Pornography is a paid, professional performance by actors. It is a fantasy, it is not meant to be a rulebook and guidebook or a how to as a general rule. And it goes to show how poor our sex education is in this country that people are reduced to looking at an entertainment medium for information about the body.

Nina makes an excellent point. As I noted in a post last year, we need to be teaching individuals about sexually explicit content so they can think critically about it, and understand the differences between reality and fantasy. Especially in an ever-increasing age of technology where porn is not only easy to find, it’s sometimes hard to avoid. (Although Amtrak wouldn’t let me watch this video using their on-train wifi!)

What I think is extra interesting about this video, is that it wasn’t developed or commissioned by renowned sexuality educators (although a few, like myself, have applauded its ingenuity). Web video company Kornhaber Brown told HuffPo that they “just made this for fun”. Their website says, “Originally started as a fun internal project, we wanted to talk about a provocative social issue in a very creative way.” Since it’s launch at the end of July, the video has had over 6 million views.

vs. the variety of real-life vaginas:


(well, actually, vulvas. that’s what they would have said if they’d consulted sexuality professionals. but i guess we can forgive them this one time.)

Porn Post #2: When should we teach about pornography in sex ed?

Pornography: rarely a day goes by without some news article or tv show talking about pornography.  Even if you are not a fan of watching porn, you can barely avoid hearing about it, at the least.  So if we can’t avoid it, as Elizabeth Schroeder pointed out in a recent NY Times article on When Children See Internet Pornography, at what point should we be teaching about it?

In March 2012 I wrote my first post on Why pornography should be included in sexuality education, where I articulated the need for creating a safe, intentional space for participants to learn and talk about an issue that is so prevalent in our society.  Given its ubiquity, I argue that educators can and should bring up the concept of sexually explicit material early on in a young person’s education.

One of the observations about the negative influence of pornogaphy is that people who rely on porn to develop their sense of sexuality, sexual behavior, and relationships have unrealistic expectations in real life. A key component of developing healthy sexuality is understanding the difference between images/media (porn) and reality (real life).  This differentiation is an important learning concept that can be delivered in an age-appropriate context, over time.

How old is a child when he/she first understands reality vs. pretend? Real life vs. television/movies/books? This may be somewhat different for every child, especially given development delays/disabilities, however many children are able to differentiate between tv and real life when they are 4 or 5.  We can start helping young people think about the images that they see by using this discourse of differentiation early on, and then applying it to any image portraying sexuality.  You can talk about ‘pornography’ in the larger sense of the word- explicit material intended to cause excitement or interest- without even using the term.

Take the definition of pornography by Merriam Webster:

  1. the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement
  2. material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement
  3. the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction

Use the concepts of ‘depiction’ and ‘excitement’ to describe the difference between media (pretend) and reality, and then when the child understands the concept of sexuality, add that to the mix.  (Note- the Our Whole Lives program has a curriculum for Kindergarten/1st graders- 5 & 6 year olds- that teaches children about sexual behavior. Is this the time to also talk about sexual images?  Media portraying sexuality, especially in ways that are different from reality?)

Established sexuality education programs, which in most settings are not in place for audiences younger than 11 or 12, should certainly include a discussion of sexually explicit material, using a broad perspective of what constitutes pornography. Again, the goal should be to prepare young people to think critically about the images/material they will encounter in life.  And when a young person does happen upon sexually explicit material (even before it’s appropriate for them to be seeing it), use it as a teachable moment and revisit the conversation that hopefully you’ve had about real and pretend, material for children and material for adults.  No matter whether ‘sex ed’ is happening in an intentional learning environment, or just at home, the conversation should happen hopefully before someone else brings it up- whether that’s a peer, a family member, or even a child pornographer. The person/people who are resources for young people on this topic can communicate affirming messages about individual sexuality  (rather than prescribed sexuality that imitates, or tries to imitate, pornography) and informed decision-making, based on real-life situations.  Parents- I recommend not waiting until you see the receipt for that explicit iPhone or the browser history full of xxx sites.  Take the initiative, put your fears aside, and talk about what’s real or pretend, adult or not.

So the short answer to the question, when should we teach about pornography, is as early as possible and whenever there is a sex ed program.  It is the teacher’s responsibility to not only intentionally bring the topic up, but also craft messages about sexually explicit material that are age-appropriate and realistic (even if the teacher is a parent!).

“I know it when I see it” Porn Post #1: Why pornography should be included in sexuality education

A recent discussion on a listserve of sexuality educators inspired me to put together my ideas on the relevance of pornography to sexuality education. This is the first of what I anticipate being several posts on porn.

Pornography is one of the topics that remains contentiously debated in our society- whether to permit it at all, at what age should people be able to watch/buy it, if the people on screen should be required to use barrier methods, if it is feminist to be pro-porn, and so on.  However, the truth is, people of all ages watch porn.  In fact, it’s sometimes hard to avoid!  At the very least porn takes up space in our society, and just as we learn about things like science and math (even if we think we don’t need to), individuals need an opportunity to learn about the topic of pornography regardless of whether they partake. I believe that we would be remiss in our roles as sexuality educators if we were to omit this highly relevant topic. I am not proposing having participants watch porn in class (imagine the press you’d get about that), but I do believe there needs to be time and space dedicated to the topic in a sexuality education program. (Don’t worry, I will get to my ideas on when and how to teach about porn in subsequent posts.)

So if not to watch it, what are we aiming to accomplish in a lesson about pornography?  The goal shouldn’t be to make people afraid of porn, or even to dissuade participants from watching it.   Ideally, the overall goal should be to encourage them to think critically about pornography, come to their own conclusions about whether or not to partake, and be able to articulate their personal opinions and decisions about porn to their peers and partners.

Here are a few sample learning objectives to chew on:

By the end of the lesson the participant will be able to…

  • identify at least three ways they will determine their personal values about porn.
  • discuss the feminist debate about porn.
  • recognize that porn exists on a continuum, and that some pornography is not OK (for example, child pornography).
  • explain how sexual activity could be portrayed differently in pornography vs. real life.
  • differentiate between healthy and unhealthy behaviors involving pornography.

Note: ANY lesson in sexuality education should be age-appropriate and provide any facts available.  These (draft) learning objectives will not apply to all age groups.

Not everyone is into porn, for whatever reason, and that’s perfectly healthy and ok! And at the same time we need to prepare individuals to encounter porn in their lives, however it might come up.  If we ignore it, dismiss it, or just discourage it, we miss
an opportunity to help people understand a complicated and relevant issue.  And if we just hope that people will “know it when [they] see it”, as Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said in the 1964 decision on Jacobellis vs. Ohio, individuals will be ill-equipped to respond in a healthy way.